And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
