So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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