I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
