what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Randomize
