everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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