I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
