the new term for farting is butt boxing.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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