I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
