Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
