Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
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I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
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There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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