I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
