I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
