That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
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ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
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Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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