so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
