I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
