I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
