i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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