I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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