I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize