there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
