I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
