i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
