If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
