I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
