I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
