My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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