I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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