I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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