guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
