i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
