RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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