I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
