Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
