go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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