I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
