I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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