Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
