I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
even my farts smell like vagina
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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