I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
