and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Randomize
