I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
