Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
