Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
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I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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