i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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