there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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