My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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