you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
