If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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