um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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