Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Do vagina's smell?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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