From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
