I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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