I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
