I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
