I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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