hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
