This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
