were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
What drink are we having for lunch?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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