It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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