new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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