So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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